I asked Peter (name changed) to write a short note to the blog about life balance and inspiration…
“I was working so hard at the office and feeling like I was doing the right thing. Then, sometime after dark, filled with pride that I’d summited my own little Mt Everest, I’d come home.
To say that I’d come home exhausted is an understatement. I’d arrive hungry, heartless, wounded and sort of expect the house to revolve around that. If the dog barked next door I’d scream for peace. You know that sort of fragility that comes when you feel justified in dictating the quality of the space you’re in? I also have the same headspace (or lack of it) when I’m sick with the flu and feel pissed about it.
Anyway, the feedback loop was strong to help me keep this mode operating. My partner forgave me, my boss rewarded me, my ego delighted in it. Why change it?
I have cancer. I’m working on it. I met Chris after I found out about it. I’ve improved mentally and emotionally, but there’s not much chance of remission with this sort of cancer.
I think back at the way I operated. I thought I had a long time to make up for that life pattern. I thought, “with the extra money we’d go on holidays and be together and I’d get to hang out with my kids and partner.”
The truth is, the holidays were expensive and the kids were a bit preoccupied and I was tired and my partner was not feeling great, a bit overweight and depressed. I guess she was wanting a partner who showed a little more love during the week. Anyway, on those holidays, I did enjoy myself, God, I feel like I earnt those breaks, swimming and surfing and eating out. But in retrospect, the whole work till I dropped and then holiday to compensate wasn’t healthy.
If I could recommend one thing to people it’s to take on board what Chris wrote in one of his blogs, “everyday is a holiday” – I learnt it all a bit too late as I have no doubt that the late nights and the tension I put myself under by thinking I was bulletproof, played a role in the cancer. In retrospect I don’t want regret, but really, if I lived it all over again I would do it different.
I would work harder. Yup, that’s what I’d do. I’d work harder for shorter time. I’d do what Chris says “get more done in less time (he calls it “evolveyabastard.”) and it’s true. I would have gone home early, turned up and enjoyed the beautiful love my home was built to celebrate instead of making everyone walk on egg shells just because I was overworking, over thinking.
Anyways, Chris asked me to write something about life for the blog. I’m not feeling so inspired right now but Chris and I are working through it.