“Do you know what astonishes me most in the world? The inability of force (anger) to create anything. In the long run, the sword is always beaten by the spirit (love).” Napoleon
Anger is a persona. Hidden from view it can cause havoc and most surprisingly the individual who has it, might not even recognise they are acting from it. Anger is not your true nature. Lets explore how to detect and deal with anger here.
Personas are just like clothes. Your body is here, it is hidden in clothes. In the same way your inner truth is here, hidden in certain clothes. These clothes are your ego-personality. You can be totally real right here and now, and in the same way you can be real and live in your true nature right here and now also. But if you are angry you will not know what clothes (ego-personality) are covering your true nature. Then it is impossible to take them off. If you do not know how you are hidden in those clothes, anger, you will not know how to be Real.
You may have been in these ego clothes, anger, for so long, covering your true inspired nature for years and years and years, so you may have even forgotten that you are in clothes — you might become so identified with your determination to stand for this and fight against that, that your ideas, your beliefs and your achievements, are all laced with anger and you don’t even recognise it. You might think these things you achieve with anger are the real you; you might think that your ideas, possessions, beliefs, achievements, experiences and relationships that you’ve defended, created and caused with anger are you. Then, that “adaptation” is the only barrier to your heart.
For example, you hear about how others enjoy life more than you, achieve more and do more than you. You want what they’ve got and that feeds your anger even more. You think, “if I get really, really pissed off about where I am in life, it will drive me toward my success.” And you think you know how people are doing it better than you. So, you try to change. You become more spiritual, more disciplined, more happy, more thankful but under it all, you are still angry that the meal life served you isn’t the taste you wanted.
Then, the grass has grown over the top of the sacred site. And trees have taken root in your anger. You tell friends how upset you are that the people are in danger or women are being treated badly and you find a whipping board for your anger to make it sound like it is a healthy anger. But nothing can come from nothing. If you are not angry already you cannot be made angry. If anger is not inside you already, nobody can make you angry. Nothing can make you angry if anger is not already inside you. And that anger inside you has become hidden because you think it is you. Anger is not you, it’s the clothes, but you just can’t differentiate between real you and clothes on you. The anger has been there so long, you think it’s you.
Depression is repressed anger. Obesity is repressed anger. Many things come in life from the root of anger buried beneath the grass, growing over and rooted in trees of your life: your job, your marriage, your brand. And the treatments treat the grass, and prune the trees but they do not treat the anger until finally, the damage is irreparable.
If anger is all around you then you have no way of understanding where your true nature is. You might read about peace and then angrily try to achieve it. You might meet a teacher who talks about love and you will aggressively drive yourself toward it. The anger is such a habit of being that you have no idea how else to approach a challenge. Peace doesn’t look like it does on the map. Then you begin looking for it in another place, you search high and low and you dig at all the ground and you become like a crazy person, going to retreats, hunting and hunting for the precious treasure. You blame others for causing it. You use it to grow your career but you are not looking for career growth, you are looking for your real self and that isn’t there. You know that you can be wealthy when you find it, but it is hidden in a place and now you can’t remember where or even why you started looking. The pursuit itself becomes another thing to frustrate you. And then one day when you finally give up searching, after all the ground has been completely uncovered, trees uprooted, grass dug up, you realise that the real treasure was not somewhere to be found. It was in you and only a small step away.
Your true nature is not angry. In fact it doesn’t give a toss. Your true nature doesn’t have an opinion, nor an axe to grind about your parents, your partner’s parents or your ex. Yes, it is a hidden treasure but the only barrier between you and that treasure is your pride.
Your pride means you hold a belief about someone because it makes you feel more you, more authentic, it gives you an identity. You will even move countries to get away from people – parents – who you can love and would make your life easier but you become proud and that pride means you can’t love.
The more you search for the opposite to something, the harder it gets to find. That opposite cannot be in another place, because all of life is balanced. If you run away from a parent who was too passive you meet passive people in your next city, next marriage, next business venture. Or you actually become it. One way or another the running to find the opposite, driven by pride, fuelled by anger will lead you back to where you started. Your clothes. Your beliefs, persona, ego, identity, and ultimately, your anger.
Your judgments against others turn on yourself and block your love. Your beliefs about what is good and bad about others turn in on yourself and become clothes that cover your true nature. This true nature is your inner stillness, self confidence. From this place comes your freedom, your joy, your contentment, your focus, and your real vision. It impacts your health, heart, love, relationship, leadership and sense of meaning.
So, there is a silent power surrounding a person who has found their true nature. A calm that can be felt even in distressing circumstances. When a person has found their true nature within – it is a personal meaningfulness, they have become content with themselves and their energy becomes infectious. Anger is missing. Just as negativity can be infectious so the positive energy of an inspired person can become infectious. So, the anger that is buried in the parent and repressed and even unconscious to the parent, becomes the anger in the child and you can see it. What we repress because of judgement, we breed in our children, attract in a partner or become.
The resolution to anger is not intellectual. It is more a surrender. I have found that being in nature and feeling the energy of nature is only possible when I am not angry. If I am angry but don’t even know it, I can’t connect to nature. For some reason the beauty evaporates and my time in nature becomes mechanical. I can watch the most beautiful sunrise and be unmoved, even taking photos of it and posting them, I feel detached from the sunrise if I am angry.
The key here is to say that sometimes we need a constancy in life in order to have a barometer of where we are at. If every third day I go out into nature to watch the sun rise how do I know if I am angry or not? In that case I would rely on feeling the anger but that’s not functional at this level. I do have pride and do blame people sometimes when I am angry and then I find myself having one more red wine than I need to with dinner.
Anger is so hard to detect especially if we’ve judged it in a parent in our childhood which would make us prone to repress or deny we feel it. If we’ve witnessed domestic violence or emotional abuse in our home as a child we’ll automatically become proud not to feel anger or commit violence or abuse. This pride is delusional because every human has every trait. The anger and abuse is there but we do it non verbally or by hitching our wagon to a “trendy cause” of “make the world a better place.” The anger is there but it’s validated. In this, we are actually becoming the very thing we judged, just validated. This doesn’t help.
When we put our head on our pillow at night any anger that we’ve expressed or felt sits in our heart and keeps us awake if we are proud of not being angry. Running away from parents and people who contradict our pride is just making us more angry. My recommendation is always “get over it.”
If you can’t love one person, you can’t love any person. It is important for this to sink deep because it transcends pride. If you can’t love one person you can’t love any person. You might say “oh I love my children” but if your children become like that person you don’t love, the one you judged, what are you going to do then? Every human has every trait. You can’t run from traits. If your parents were violent they were demonstrating the violence in every person, including you and your own children. Sure, the form of the violence will change from person to person depending on the severity of their judgement, but it is there. If you can’t love one person you can’t love any person.
The process for dealing with judgement is the DISCARD – but the detection mechanism, the recognition that anger is inside you is more crucial. If you don’t think you are angry, then that is your decision but you need to check in with yourself and do a daily exam on it. My recommendation is to go into nature, feel the beauty of the sunrise or the wind or whatever… if you see it but don’t feel it, you’re angry. And it’s wise to raise a red flag. Nobody does well, not long term, using anger, especially stuff that’s below the conscious level. Love trumps anger … Napoleon agrees.