Here’s a story about romance, spirituality and love.
Infatuation attracts us to someone. To the level of infatuation that attracts us to someone, there will be the resentment to push us away. Infatuation breeds resentment.
How we react to this post honeymoon infatuation depends on our constitution. An ether person will live in fantasy and will hardly notice. The air person will panic and think they didn’t do enough. The fire person will blame everyone and run around trying to get the infatuation back, the water person will be so glad that intensity has settled down and the earth person just gets back to work.
I believe that relationships are not primarily about love. I believe we can love anyone, anywhere anytime. To love someone is not a sexual experience, it’s a natural state of connection. The only thing that separates us from loving everyone, is our mind.
Our ego, identity creates itself to protect us from perceived danger. The ego is responsible for our motivation and aspiration in life. When we think something is wrong with us, or we are not good enough we have an ego that kicks in to either hide that wound, or aspire to get rid of the bad bits. Self help, religion, identity and even associations with spiritual groups is based on ego worship, often in the name of God or someone like that.
So, if it were not for our ego, we would not have boundary between us and others. Then I think the natural state of humanity would be a state of unconditional love for each other. We are circumstantial humans. If the circumstances were such that we need not compete, we felt safe, secure, financially cared for, provided for, and worthy of love, then we would not strive for change, we would rest without the need for ego, in love with all, and one.
However, few people are born without the baggage that demands an ego, and few people are born blessed by a saintly higher calling, (although ether and air people believe they are) so we all develop an essential and healthy ego. That ego comes and goes in strength depending on circumstance. An actor for example may be a total egotist off stage in real life, yet, when playing a character on stage, where there real life fears and insecurities are not a problem, may actually be able to let go their ego and become totally real, inspired.
When Shakespeare wrote “all of life is a stage” – he was right. There are times when we are real and feel love for our fellow human beings, our lover and ourselves, and there are times when the ego kicks in, to protect us by creating an identity. Destiny is determined by our interpretation between that “unsafe place where the ego kicks in” and that other place “where we are real and feel love for our fellow human beings, our soul mates”
When we meet a lover we infatuate with them because they have something we want and desire. We eventually resent them because they
are human and have all the things we want and all the things we don’t want. Metaphysics and spirituality try to make us content without this infatuation, but with out infatuation, romance dies, hope dies, the motive for relationship dies. Without the ego, we are dead.
Step 1 – Love your ego, it’s the key to romance
When our baby is born, we have no ego around them, just pure love. When our baby is 2 years old, we have our love and our ego, because we want the baby to be safe and happy. Ego judges what is good and bad. Sometimes the ego and love are hard to separate, especially for the baby. You smile when it does well and you curse when it does bad. Like sticking it’s finger in a power point, you want it to associate power point, with not good, so somehow you withdraw love, and replace it with emotion. So the baby could be feeling loved, approved and rejected all at once.
Because of this, the baby develops an ego too. Sometimes it feels loved, there is no ego there, sometimes it feels approved, ego required, and sometimes rejected, ego required. It’s inevitable that egos are developed, even in the best situations, the ego always has two sides to it.
I helped a lady whose parents doted on her. She didn’t understand love that wasn’t doting. I helped another lady whose parents smothered her in love, she didn’t understand life that didn’t reject her because she never felt good enough inside to be loved so much. (her parents infatuated her and
therefore hid their resentment). Her ego developed an attraction to men who could reject her, because that’s what she needed to feel validated.
Step 2. Natures Viagra is Infatuation
Sexuality, sensuality, romance, lust come from the ego. Love requires no expression. Hence the possibility to love many without bedding everyone. But for those who cannot separate love from lust, such as our new role models in the TV Series “Desperate housewives” or “Sex in the City” a new model of American gratification is emerging where we don’t have to.
Infatuation makes us horny, resentment takes it away. Infatuation feels like love, tastes like love, actually is love. The only challenge is sustainability.
Because infatuation is a one sided defiance of nature that presumes a one sidedness exists in your lover, it’s hard to sustain. In other words infatuation supposes that your lover can be wonderful without awful, attractive without repulsive, kind without cruel and so on. That’s why those one night stands and secret lovers are hard to get over, because we think we met our fantasy man or woman. But the truth is, that if you spend allot of time with them, longer term, they turn out like all the rest, dual.
So infatuation makes us horny and infatuation is based on one sidedness (half truth). Of course the one sidedness we are looking for is based on our ego, and our ego is always trying to avoid something from the past (a
meanness in our father) or run toward something, a fantasy in our dreams. When we get a heart break, it’s not that our lover was lying or cheating, it was, in fact, that our expectations, based on our carried forward crap from the past, got exposed to us. So infatuation is unsustainable. Does this mean that all relationships are less horny in the long term than the short term? And the short answer is “usually” but not essentially.
WE get choices. We can keep out ego, hold our thoughts and expectations as being RIGHT, and find a whole group of friends to agree with us about how bad our partner is or was, or we can confront our ego, and grow through the challenges.
To hold onto our ego, our expectations we have affairs, or jobs, or kids or sports or porno movies and second honeymoons that last five minutes. These are the things we do to either substitute for the lost infatuation, or rekindle it. And that is the normal marriage. When resentment comes into the relationship, we think that something is wrong, but really, that’s just the flip side of infatuation. It’s not wrong, nor a good chance to run, it’s a time to “EVOLVEYABASTARD”.
I work with hundreds of people throughout the world who want love. They define it pretty clearly in terms of infatuation. I.e. a man with a woodie walking around making them happy or a woman who is agelessly young who makes him feel like an eternal warrior stud.
I don’t believe in relationships that are sustained out of avoidance. I think that breaks the human spirit, kills the will and turns people into business
people. Business people are typically cold hearted resentful bastards who take their frustrated loveless home life and bring those frustrations to work. Then at work it’s payback time, and look out if you get in their way. Ahh the world is an oyster. I got food poisoning once from an oyster. Best we be careful.
Step 3. Be REAL – It’s so horny to be real
I believe that a relationship is the most important thing on earth. A great relationship means a great individual turns up at the office, sensitive, aware, compassionate and considerate. Their goals are formal, their ambitions are healthy, but above all their heart is open.
Wealth, business and achievement are vital to life, but with a home life that’s about as romantic as a prison cell (sometimes worse because I hear they still have sex in there) it all turns to dust. Children are no proof of love, they are usually born of infatuation. Wealth is no proof of love, some of the most ugly and mean hearted people I have ever met are wealthy, spirituality is no proof of it because it’s usually an escape from intimacy into saintliness. No, these are no proof of love between lovers. I would rather define the proof of love between lovers as romance. Better this illusion that all the others combined.
Being real means wisdom. It means that there will be good times and crappy times. You can celebrate both. You are no victim of destiny.
One friend of mine once went to India, to an astrologer of very high acclaim. She presented her credentials and he gave her a reading. In the reading he declared that she would meet a certain man and he was in her chart on a certain month. So she sat around the house in her pajamas, holding onto this information, waiting for him to fly in the window. She thought it was an ex partner she’d not let go, so she waited some more, because it was destiny. When it didn’t happen she contacted him and asked why.
His answer was, “you can change your destiny”
Now either he got the reading wrong, which I doubt because he was a traditional Indian Astrologer and not a Kellogg cornflakes astrologer, or those who predict our future are not exact. Maybe we are in control of our destiny after all.
Do we have control? Is it arbitrary? A friend of mine has had cancer in five different and unrelated parts of her body, she has had marriage troubles, got raped, has had car accidents, and enough troubles to be the measure of four lives. Dr Demartini and other like minded teachers would claim she caused it all. Do you believe that?
Equally importantly, do you believe she could have changed her destiny and avoided it all? Theoretically every experience we have has a learning built into it. Stuff happens, she learns, because from suffering we are motivated to learn something.
Here’s a conversation with a believer in Metaphysics as the answer….
Me — “grow where?”
Metaphysician “Toward God ”.
Me “But God is everywhere”,
Metaphysician “But we don’t know it and by evolving our consciousness, we find it”
Me “so let me get it clear. My friend has an accident, because they don’t know that God is everywhere, like even in a car accident. And that car accident will teach my friend that God is in a car accident?”
Metaphysician “no, that’s not what it means” Me “well, what does it mean?”
Metaphysician “It means that, as a result of that car accident something good will come out of it that means that they get a benefit and God is in the benefit”
Me “But God is not in the pain and suffering from the car accident?”
Metaphysician “Yes, but the pain is the teacher that takes them to the benefit”
Me “Aha, so for clarity. We get troubles in our life, so that we can experience discomfort and pain. From discomfort and pain, we learn things. Like don’t get discomfort and pain? “
Metaphysician “no that’s not what we learn”
ME “but that’s what people who had discomfort and pain tell me they learned. Eat better, drive more carefully etc etc”
Metaphysician “no, say the lady in the car accident got injured and had to take time off. So then you could say that she needed time out, but didn’t give it to herself. So the universe made her have time off”
Me “ah, so the universe wants us to have pleasure, lets call it – time off, and therefore it nearly kills us to force us to have time off”
Metaphysician “yes. The universe wants us to have time off because we can get too busy and we need to back off”
Me “so, the universe. God is watching 6.5 billion people on this one earth, and those people are here for 70 years out of a possible 3 billion years of human occupation and when one person needs time off, God, universe causes a car accident?”
Metaphysician “yes, that’s metaphysics”
Me “Hmmmm what if I take time off, and still have a car accident and get more time off. Does the universe, God not want me, or my friend to work? If I take too much time off will the universe give me a car accident so that I go back to work?”
Me “Ok, here’s another question. Now thought affect us, right?” Metaphysician ”yes, thought affects us more than anything”
Me “and our thoughts affect others too?”
Metaphysician “yes we affect ourselves and others by our thoughts?”
Me “So from what I know, people can be affected positively and negatively by our thoughts, which is why non violence is critical to Yogis, because they don’t want to take on the bad karma of things they do harm to?”
Me “So my friend’s car accident might have been caused by one of her friends or the friend of the other person in the car, who was angry at him and therefore affected change on my friends life but she didn’t cause it?” Metaphysician ”Maybe”
Me “so, what will she learn if it is none of her business?” Metaphysician “I don’t know”
Me “oh, thanks, I am so much clearer now” NOT
STEP 4. Shatter the Myths that keep you apart.
The MYTHSTAKE of confusing love with infatuation.
You can change your destiny. Two human beings come together through infatuation but stay together because of love.
Our core dream is to find our soul mate. It is the eternal hunger of humankind. We all hold is the dream of being in love. Then to this word soul mate we project our hopes. Short, tall, fat, skinny, smart, dumb, wealthy, poetic. Then we compare who we are with to that subconscious
list. And get pissed, because they missed, because we thought we were blissed, (sorry) after we were kissed.
To love someone is not conditional, so we can love everyone. To infatuate someone, is to enjoy the dynamic. Dynamics are most enjoyable when there is more good news than bad news. That’s infatuation. If you run around trying to present yourself as more good news than bad news that is an effort that will return infatuation. But they will eventually see through your masquerade. So that’s just exhausting.
The key to romance is to witness the honesty of your partner, the two sided of them, without fantasy, because that’s love, then build infatuation by learning to focus on the good news. This is the most ancient teaching of all. There are two sides to everything, know both, for that is wisdom and power, but focus your mind eternally on the one that makes the most positive impact.
I had a relationship with an actor. She was always acting and lying to me. She was obsessed with romance and infatuation. I tried to tell her that I loved her for all of her, but she was so obsessed with our relationship, she couldn’t be honest. She wanted me to infatuate with her, for real. But we can see through these pretences. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. She only loved a half of herself. Fact is, I loved all of her, the dirty bits and the clean. Of course, in return she only wanted to know about my good bits, so we had one of those remote relationships where we kept separate lives, for over 3 years.
The Myth of MYTHSTICISM
Most mystics are single. They prey to Gods and Goddesses. Worship gurus and statues. They identify with philosophies of how to exist on earth, they are BORING. Looking for excuses not to surrender to human vulnerability because they have been wounded and are afraid to re enter truth.
If you can’t find God in the eyes of your lover, you can’t find God. Life was never meant to become the obsession with the escape from it. Life is the immersion of our heart and soul into existence, proof of our eternal love, in the celebration of a jolly good bonk. And for this reason we stay in relationship no longer than the length of our infatuation.
People separate meditation, masturbation and copulation. Why? What is different between these three. They all seek pleasure, we often say God at the conclusion of them, and we are drawn away from the ambitions of materialism in the process. They all make us better people, they can all be overdone and they all require some sense of self awareness. Personally I find more deluded people who meditate than those who openly confess to the desire to copulate. Each has it’s path.
AS soon as you turn love making into a spiritual pastime, like the Tantra teachers in the west, you kill it’s sacredness. I call them Tantrum teachers, when they don’t get it the way they want, all sacred and all, they throw a tantrum at God. But this is the topic for another day. Suffice to say,
everything we do with honest innocence, without expectation and with absolute enthusiasm will result in it’s own form of orgasm.
Infatuation is a spiritual thing. You can’t make someone infatuate with you for very long. So the capacity to sustain infatuation is a self determined quality. If you are beating yourself up for being dumb or fat or stupid, do you expect your partner to be infatuated with you. If you are pumping yourself up, because you are clever – do you expect your partner to infatuate you. No.
Your partner infatuates you, only when you infatuate them. They say don’t put men on pedestals, but what do you think happens when a man is on a pedestal, he gets a woodie. Male Viagra is feeling appreciated for whatever he does in work, mind and wealth creation. Female Viagra is feeling appreciated for whatever she does in health – family and social contribution. Some women think they will have an infatuated man if they prove how equal they are, some men think they will have an infatuated woman if the control and stand in authority over them. That’s the cold spoon to relationship.
What you appreciate grows. A mans woodie is connected to his brain. It’s a primal part of him. He wants to feel valued for his whatever. A woman becomes moist when she feels valued. This is not rocket science. It’s not mystical nor new age. You create infatuation by being real and loving who you are, and you get infatuation by giving it.
The only emotions that can block infatuation are guilt and fear. Fear of loosing someone, and guilt about something you have done. Everything is worthy of love, so there’s nothing that can’t be loved. I prove this over and over and over and over with people in my consulting sessions. Everything is worthy of love. Infatuation can reign supreme, the eternal woodie is possible. Viagra is not required
The Myth of MYTHINTERPRETATION
To know yourself is to know your truth. We myth interpret truth. We think we can be someone else, we get wound up, people motivate us, give us hope by saying anything is possible. No it’s not, what crap.
If you are three foot tall, doing Olympic high jump may be an amazing achievement, but it is still gravity versus force, Facts are facts. You can’t do anything, if the facts prove otherwise.
This is why, in love and life, the laws of nature make romance and intimacy possible, because that is the whole basis of why they exist. To help people bind in love, for a second or a lifetime, nature is no judge.
The laws of nature are the rules of the game. When we break the rules life is tough, when we see situations through those glasses of natures law, life
is as it is. The laws of nature define love as Support and Challenge. Is there any relationship that lacks it?
To see this is to be set free. Infatuation is to focus on support and acknowledge the challenge. Focus determines circumstance. We are circumstantial beings. We can be in hell, focus on the positive side (without denying the negative) and “hey presto” – good place to be.
In brothels and places where sex is sold, the whole emphasis is to focus people on the positive. To take their mind off moral judgment, their bad home life, their depression, whatever, the whole motive is seduction. And because the pain of the worker is never revealed, those professionals can focus on appreciation of even the worst of clients. The men feel powerful, not because they are, but because they are appreciated for it. Who really has the power?
Our relationships are mini brothels. We can bare all and make the space as organic and boring – functional as possible, or we can weave sacred and wonderful sexuality, intimacy and appreciation through it.
My sisters home is the most sexy place I have ever been to. It is an home we call it Faulty Towers after the John Cleese TV show. Pictures of people, family, friends drape the walls along with stuffed tigers, cows and a camel, an old grand piano fills one room, it doesn’t work but the antique clothes and hats that drape it make it a scene from a movie. He home exudes love, fun, passion, and chaos, she is a wild lady, passionate and inspired, in some ways untamable, she will soon celebrate her 40th wedding anniversary.
We need to weave spells over our relationships. They are the mirror of our soul. It’s not just one night here and there but the whole experience of life. Crazy, diverse, serious, arguments, passion, but with one single under riding commitment, appreciation. Here lies the key to love. Not passive conforming straight denial, outright truth, and an appreciation for it.
The MYTH of MYTHTAKEN IDENTITY
I am my dreams. There can be allot of dishonesty here, because in stating our dreams we reveal who we are. We want to be somebody. Anybody will do. So we state the dream that this somebody would have.
This somebody could be the opposite of someone that hurt us. This somebody might be the hero in our fantasy dream. This somebody could be the solution to all our problems. Whatever this somebody is, this somebody we want to be is rarely who we are.
Then if we get caught in a trap, where we are who we are, honestly, we start hoping that this somebody turns up in the form of a soul mate. Now we are in deep poo. We need this somebody to rescue us from our self created hell, they turn up, we don’t ever want to be dependent on them, so
we try to talk them out of being the somebody we attracted, and out of the somebody that they think they are, so we can feel comfortable again.
Once they bend to our advice, then we are no longer attracted to them, because now they can’t rescue us. So the infatuation dies, and we are left with nobody, who is better than somebody that we feel less important than. We become kings and queens of our own domain. Alone.
Who are you really? Do you know? Do you still have the fantasy that you can be one sided, and people will believe you? Do you still blame others for causing you more pain than pleasure or more pleasure than pain. Are you still thinking that something is wrong that needs to be fixed in yourself or others? If so, you have some serious homework to do in order to have a relationship that thrives on love.
Myth that you MYTHED OUT
The ego holds the manifesto of your dreams. Our heart, our soul, our spirit has no dreams. It has no time, and therefore cannot exist outside of the current moment. All dreams are of the future and past, and so the spirit has no dream, it wants for nothing.
So why do we run so hard? We run to survive economically, we run to create immortality (leave something behind) we run to cause a difference and we run because we are looking for love.
Of all the above the last is the most illusive. Many people find love but the question of sustainability is at the heart of it.
Unfinished business begins to build up, and until, like an enema flushes your colon, a brush of gratitude is put through your heart, love will be only a dream.
The love we hunger for is built of dreams and hopes. If those are lost much of the joy of life, which generates the energy for that quest, is stolen. We must begin relationship knowing that our lovers dreams and hopes give them the fire to work on relationship. This is a duty, to support and believe in the dreams and hopes of your lover. If you do not, you must change this or the passion is dead.
Ultimately, with our dreams and hopes secured temporarily, we will turn our being to the persuit of love, the soul mate. This is truly the deepest quest of human existence. The quest to find the soul mate is saturated with expectations that come from the mind, but humble in the heart. For the real quest, although manifest in the intimacy we share with our chosen lover or lovers, is really to find what is missing within. We find it, mirrored in the heart of another.
Live with Love Live with Spirit
And make sure you infatuate those who rely on you for leadership, people become as you treat them. There are two sides to everything and everyone, know both, and then focus on the positive.
I really hope you didn’t MYTH anything…..