Helping People Change – Coaching Others



00:02 Good morning, good afternoon, wherever you are. This is Chris. It’s Sunday morning. It’s early. I’m speaking a little quietly so I don’t wake the kids <laugh>. 00:12 So from time to time, you, you will need to change another person’s behavior, whether that person is two years old or 92 years old, you’ll want to change their behavior. 00:28 That’s my work, is helping people change their behavior. The first thing to recognize about this is that behavior is a result of thought, and every thought is a result of a memory. 00:45 Very rarely do people think of fresh thought. They usually dredge up a memory and compare what’s going on in the current reality to that memory. 00:55 And the memory will always have the most momentum. For example, a person’s getting married. She’s booked a wedding, she’s booked a church, she’s booked a priest, she’s booked a party, she’s invited friends. 01:10 She’s got her parents coming from overseas. She’s made the wedding, all the wedding plans, and she finds out that the person she’s about to marry has had an affair. 01:24 There’s enough information in the affair to warn this individual that the future might not be as rosy as they’d thought. 01:32 And there’s enough information to stop the wedding. But the memory that they’ve planted in their mind, which creates the momentum, which is all the steps they’ve taken to get to this point in time, will use ERP very often. 01:50 All the warning signs that things have gone wrong. So they’ll go ahead and all the friends that are telling them don’t will be shouting from the rooftops. 02:03 But the individual has a memory. The memory is that they’ve got, is what they want. So they’ve dreamed up this wedding, they’ve dreamed up this life, they’ve dreamed up this relationship, and the truth just gets in the way. 02:20 When I work with people who are in relationships and the relationship is not healthy, all it takes is one healthy night of sex, and they forget all the woes of that relationship. 02:32 Why? Because they have a memory of what they want. This is a powerful tool. And without this memory of what we want, which is a memory of the future, in in simple terms, we would do nothing. 02:46 We, it’s, it’s the momentum that throws us into the future. Now, from time to time, events take place in the, in, in the present that let’s say create a new memory or defeat the memory. 03:03 We have, for example, the same wedding for the same person in the same place. If the husband was touting the fact that he’d had an affair and the person he was having an affair with, or she was having an affair with was still in their life, the information in the real world would be enough, possibly enough to shatter the memory of the future that the individual has, and she might change the plan. 03:34 So when we get evidence sharp and hard and cold and crisp enough that it challenges the memory that we have of the future, it can change our behavior. 03:50 Sadly, that’s called an experience. And we call that experience calamity, disaster and humbling circumstances, calamities, disaster circumstances. We only get calamities, disasters and humbling circumstances in our life when we are working on low priorities. 04:10 A person came to me the other day and said, oh, I’m not doing my work. I’m not getting, I’m stressed at work. 04:15 I’m overloaded at work. I, I, I feel fatigued. I’m, I I have to change my job. I have to change everything. 04:24 And I sat down with that person and I said, what are the things you fear? And they said, I fear losing my husband. 04:31 I feel losing my children. I feel losing my family. None of the fears they had were related to work, and yet work was causing them the, the most pain. 04:41 This individual was heading steamrolling racing at a hundred mile an hour towards a memory of what they wanted to achieve in their work. 04:51 And yet, most of their fears, and most of their values were related to family. And it would be far wiser for this individual to turn their focus to family and say, well, I work to earn money to feed the family. 05:09 I can’t necessarily go to the highest job in the world if it doesn’t satisfy my highest value in the world, which is family. 05:18 Now, ironically, what can happen to an individual when they, when their values contra, are contradicted by their behavior, is they start to sabotage things accidentally, not consciously when their purpose, when we are not living our purpose, we start to sabotage what we’ve got in order to live it. 05:37 Now, sometimes the memory of what we’ve got, the, the picture of what we’re gonna have a great relationship, or a perfect job or a beautiful holiday, sometimes the memory of what we’re gonna have is so strong that we kind of like get belligerent or kind of like get aggressive to sustain the memory, even if it’s a memory in the low, low area of our value set. 06:02 So somebody might say, my work is my highest value and therefore I want to, I have a memory of what that’s gonna look like. 06:12 But then get confused as to what value they should raise to the surface when they’re working. They go, I’m guilty. 06:21 I’m not being a good enough mom. I’m guilty. I’m not being good enough, dad, I’m guilty. I’m not being good enough partner. 06:27 And really what they’re basically saying is, I’m gonna sabotage my highest value for a lower value because somebody else is complaining about it. 06:37 So, to change behavior before we start rescuing people, or giving people empathy and sympathy and compassion for their dilemma, we really need to know whether that individual is on value. 06:54 If they’re not on value, nothing you you’re gonna do compassionate wise or anything is going to change things. Once you work out a person’s values, which can be completely in contrast to their behavior, you can then ask, what is the memory that they’re projecting into the future that they’re not living? 07:16 For example, they say a happy marriage with lots of kids and, you know, a beautiful backyard. They’ve got a memory of that, that memory probably is being created by the dis, by the dysfunction of their own childhood. 07:28 And they say, when I grow up and I become a big person, I’m gonna have the opposite to this. So they’ve projected a memory into the future until that memory shifts and they can witness the truth. 07:43 That memory will drive them through and blind them to what’s really going on. And that is they may not be in the relationship, or may not be in the job, or may not be in the, in, in the life that they designed. 07:56 And we need to help another person from time to time recreate a new memory of the future that might be being single for a while, that might be being adventurous at work and not being quite home as much as they used to. 08:14 To challenge those memories, we have to challenge stories. Cause all memories of the future created of a story of the past. 08:21 As I mentioned earlier, the, the person might say, I’ve had a s****y childhood, therefore I’m gonna create a great childhood for my kids. 08:30 Therefore, I’m blind to what’s really going on in my relationship in my, in my home. Because the memory of the future is so strong. 08:38 And just like the person who’s getting married, who turns a blind eye to the truth about their forthcoming marriage, a person can do that with their family or their job. 08:51 So one of the things we do as a change agent, as a person helping another person change, is to witness firstly, what’s their values. 08:59 Because an individual must know their values, must know the difference between their behavior right now, their values and their partner’s values. 09:08 Now, I had a fairly extended negotiation with a client once when I said, your partner’s values will typically be the opposite to yours. 09:19 In other words, if you say, my values are work money, mental, social health relationship, your partner’s values could very often be the complete opposite to those. 09:35 Now, they argued really strongly that that wasn’t the case. But the thing was, their partner had modified their values to fit with this very strong minded woman that this very strong, I would say almost wounded individual, had projected onto their partner their values, and basically accused the partner of not being loving if they didn’t live the values that live their values. 10:02 In other words, they modified their partner’s values to fit their own. Now everybody goes to work, but not everybody goes to work to be successful in career. 10:11 Some people go to work so they can have a happy family. Some people go to work so they can get money to put it into the family. 10:19 So everybody in somewhere or another is working towards love, working towards a better relationship, whether it’s the individual who goes to work to provide for the family, or whether it’s the individual who goes to work to make money, to provide for the family, or whether it’s the individual who goes to work to feel comfortable enough to spend the whole weekend and time with their family. 10:41 That’s all different ways to express different values and still work. So it’s not saying because you have a highest value of family or health or something of that nature, you can’t have a job. 10:53 It’s just if that job is unhealthy and detracts from your family, you’ll sabotage yourself. You’ll sabotage your work. And that’s usually called stress. 11:02 So when you change a person, you personally need to know their values. Secondly, when you’re talking to people in an office or in a business environment, you need to know what memory they’re projecting into the future. 11:14 And we call that a vision. The memory we project into the future is the vision that we have. We go, I, it’ll come from a very early age. 11:24 It’ll be like, I didn’t get an airplane when I was a kid, when I wanted one, and now what I’m going to do is fly airplanes, or I didn’t get freedom as a kid. 11:34 I’m gonna make freedom. I didn’t get power as a kid. I’m gonna make power. So typically the memory we have, the way we got it, it’s not really all that important, but it came from storytelling about events and circumstances in our childhood. 11:51 And until such time as that story changes, and still until such time as the person who said, I didn’t get attention, realizes they did get attention, but it was in a form they didn’t recognize The person who said, I, I was abused and battered as a child who, until they see that there was some time, a period of time in every single day of their life where they were not abused and battered, that they were loved and kinded, until they can retell these stories, they’re in therapy. 12:22 And that’s just like going around in a, in a wheel mouse and a wheel in therapy because it basically doesn’t question the story, but tries to make the story livable. 12:34 And there are a lot of people who don’t wanna let go of the story. We’ve had an interesting incident in our building recently where the neighbor’s dog is dying. 12:45 It’s had its spleen removed it’s got arthritis in the back legs, it’s getting dopey it can’t get around. And the neighbor thought it was dying two weeks ago, and she’s crying and crying and crying, and she, she milks it for all shit’s worth. 13:03 She’s got friends coming around, neighbors coming in, everybody’s saying goodbye to the dog. And the next morning the dog wakes up and goes, what’s everybody crying for? 13:12 And the dog’s perfectly healthy, running around, taking a p**s barking and what have you. Three days later, the dog does it again. 13:22 So she milks it again. All the people run around. Everybody comes in, pardon me. There we go. That’s real. Everybody comes in and feels sorry for the dog and pats the dog and keeps the dog and cares for the dog, and looks after the dog. 13:41 24 hours later, the dog’s walking around going, what’s everybody crying for? Three times it’s happened. The dog’s still there. And, and it’s like she’s milked it. 13:51 I think she’s milked it and milked it and milked it because she’s gotta memory of what it’s gonna look like without a dog. 13:56 You’ve got a memory of what it’s gonna look like, what it looks like with a dog, and she’s got this memory and is, it’s like the wedding scenario. 14:04 It it, no matter what the reality delivers, a person doesn’t want to change the story. They’ve invested in the story, they’ve invested in the dream. 14:15 So change comes to retelling stories, but it mostly comes from new memories. New memories are created when we, when we perceive a different outcome that’s equally good as or if not better than the one we projected before. 14:37 That leads us to the biggest problem that we have in human change. And that is the possibility that a person is going to have a fantasy. 14:47 So people very often will say, I’m looking for the perfect, perfect partner in the perfect place, in the perfect city, with the perfect relationship, with a perfect baby, with a perfect job, with a perfect nature, with a perfect. 15:01 And you go, look, look, I know you’re in pain and I know the story you’ve been telling, and the memory you have of the future is broken. 15:10 And evidence is proving to you that this memory that you were going to manifest is isn’t gonna look like what you thought it was, but it’s equally unhealthy to create a fantasy. 15:23 Fantasies are people’s reaction to broken stories, to broken memories, broken vision. And when a, when a fantasy replaces a vision, when when fantasy replaces hope, the individual will typically earn themselves a big bout of depression. 15:46 And that’s it for part one. I hear people coming into the house and kids waking up. So we’re gonna do part two later on. 15:54 This is Chris. Have a great day. Bye for now. You’re on screen.

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